我也好奇这个，精彩也是你自己加的？


storybrooke 发表于 4/22/2015 12:58:49 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67177856#67177856]

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英文写真不容易的， 赞一个
brandnewvest 发表于 4/22/2015 1:33:50 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67178283#67178283]

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哇塞，诗有多精彩，楼主就有多无聊
fishbitch 发表于 4/22/2015 1:00:54 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67177886#67177886]

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歪哥都有小妾啦？你老婆知道不？


君子如琢 发表于 4/22/2015 1:34:27 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67178287#67178287]

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越是这种嘴巴上花的，其实最老实，也就是嘴巴上讨个便宜
冰是睡着的水 发表于 4/22/2015 1:56:00 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67178574#67178574]

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I do have some suggestions:
1 paragraph
You can use a better verb or phrase than "goes by", for example, "pop out"? Choose a verb to express your surprise.

3 paragraph
The scenery/description is not vivid enough, too bland for me.

4 paragraph
The word "we" is too sudden. I suppose you refer to the "who" in the 1 paragraph? There is not enough reference of the person or people you ask for response? Maybe add a paragraph for them?

"Blue" and "sad" mean similar feelings. " blue" is a better word than "sad" though if you want to get rid of one of them.

I do like your word choices such as recollect and uneasily hesitate, which evoke feelings out of me when I read them.
servien 发表于 4/22/2015 2:11:02 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67178826#67178826]

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这还用问吗。。。。必须刹车啊。。。。灵车来了必须让，否则要吃罚单的！
Cumberbitch 发表于 4/22/2015 2:14:14 PM [url=http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1816277&postid=67178886#67178886]

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