不知从人生甚么时候开始，我发现自己在human behavior 或 思维各方面都consistently属于outlier。自己也装不了合群的style。我现任先生偶然笑着告诉我是在 the most outer one on the six standard deviations. 有几次我哭着对他说：「I am a defected one.」他每次都很慈祥，觉得我很可爱的捧着我脸蛋看着我说：「I still love you. I love you the way you are...」总会让我知道 my weirdness doesn''t bother him. 

"Are you yelling?" Asperger''s, NLD, and Tone

[url]https://blogs.psychcentral.com/a[/url] ... li_medium=popular17

疑似有这文章裏形容的阿斯伯格症的家父常被母亲那边娘家人说他脾气不好。我有一个没有科学证据的 顾虑：自己会不会「遗传了」家父的发脾气style？

我工作后，认知了自己的缺陷，所以，我会先对同事朋友备个案，跟他们说 如果他们见到我发脾气，有生气的表现，要知道我不是在生他们的气，或生任何人的气，我是对我自己工作成绩结果不满而已或对件坏事不满而已。Don''t take it personal. So far, 20年来，出奇地每一位我有这么告诉他们的人， 都give me feedback 一致性认同 和 赞我脾气好，EQ高，善良温柔。

其实我觉得现实生活中，大家也都是 “见人说人话，见鬼说鬼话”，并不是都说真话大实话。

我觉得在现实世界里， being outliers 不是问题。detect 对方的 intention / motivation，以及在需要的时候恰到好处地隐藏自己真实想法，才是 neuro-typical 的处世哲学我个人觉得。

当然，灌水嘛，那就不用嫌事儿大！！

我这样分析自己，既然我没有能力分辨「见」的是「人」还是「鬼」，还是说当时尽自己认知的准确内容为上策。我既没有足够的资源去学习分辨，又衡量过，这些技巧对我而言不重要。

补充：我的记忆虽然在某方面比较好，但不代表所有记忆都完全准确无误。

回复 57楼MeekSarah的帖子

背景：

我不知 情为何物。我是一位 阿斯伯格老婆 加上 小女人。

我从小，在我不知 情为何物 之前，就知道自己想要的是甚么样的婚姻生活。所以我不用 感情 或者 爱情 去择偶。从来没有人教我爱情是甚么，怎么界定。头一位向我解析的是圣经裏爱的真谛：「爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈，爱是不嫉妒，不自夸，不张狂，不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理」。我就不断照此方向磨练自己去爱人。

我嫁我前夫之前，我有跟他谈到了学多婚姻生活上的细节。我要求他给我的婚姻生活包括：养我父母过世，经济担保我哥哥们一家新移民。我要做个相夫教子女，如萨拉顺服阿伯拉罕 那般的顺服丈夫，称他为主 的全职家庭主妇。前夫都一一认为是好的，也以我提出的婚姻生活为目标。只是我当时还不懂审核结婚对象的他是否有能力达到我要的。结果，反而我给了他我自己的理性婚姻生活。我能夠付出来这些，因为我能坚持那 爱的真谛。

我对我 1. 前度未婚夫，2. 我前夫 和 3.我现任先生 都一样的提出我对婚姻生活的要求，一事同人，不偏心，我也不要求他们在性事上只与我一个。只要求他们持守安全性行为，对我坦白什麼時候和谁有性事，有法律保障我一生婚姻生活，经济上不离弃我就行。

我没有机会跟我前度未婚夫讲这些婚姻生活要求，他就已经向我退婚。

我前夫听到就认为我不爱他。

我问我现任先生为何他平心接受到我这样而且照样接我过门（结为夫妻）。

His analysis of why it works for him as having an Asperger me as his submissive wife:

--- to be continue 待續 ----

回复 75楼MeekSarah的帖子

－－－續上 －－－

“how my Sir husband makes our Neurotypical-Aspie relationship works and keep each other healthy?”

My neurotypical husband （現任先生）wrote the following:

Being in any long term relationship is hard work. Many married couples who are both are neurotypical complain of not receiving what they need from their partner. It may be lack of romance, lack of understanding, lack of respect for their partner’s feelings. Having a partner with Aspergers does have challenges but they are not that different than other relationships.

-------- to be continued -----

－－－續上 －－－ (Our Romantic aspects )

In our relationship, I am romantic and she is not. I do romantic things and she does not understand that they are romantic. In previous relationships when I try to discuss this with my partner, she would be upset and respond in a negative way. With my Aspergers partner, she accepts what I say without negative emotion. This makes it easier for us to discuss the situation and find ways to improve it. In our case I have found that, while she is not romantic, there are things I do that bring her great joy and excitement. So I focus my romantic actions in those areas. She loves to eat and be by my side, so I take her on business trips with me. This way she gets to stay near me and we have the opportunity to try new restaurants and new foods in whatever city my business takes me. It is a little different than the romance I normally enjoy, but seeing her enjoyment brings me great happiness.

We have also discussed the possibility of me taking on another partner to fulfill my romantic needs. She is comfortable with that as long as I am open from the start, keep her involved in the relationship and continue to care for her. As long as I do not leave her, she is not concern with me finding romance with someone else. That is part of the Aspergers. She has very specific criteria for her happiness. As long as I meet those, I have the freedom to do what ever I want.

------ to be continued --------

－－－續上 －－－ (Our Dominate-submissive aspects)

In relations with Aspergers partner, the neurotypical is usually the one who takes care of the Aspergers partner. In my relationship I am a dominant, so taking care of my partner is natural for me. But being dominant all the time and always being the one in control is exhausting. Having spoken with other dominant / submissive couples, I have heard other dominants complain about the same thing. Being a dominant is a little different than being a care giver though. I can order my submissive to leave me be, let me rest, give me a back rub or make me dinner. That helps me to unwind. With an Aspergers partner you are dominant but also the care giver. I do not know if you have the option to make a restful place for your self or order your partner to help you make a restful place. But it is something you can talk to your partner about. With my Aspergers partner, she want to ensure I stay and take care of her forever, so she is willing to do many things for me to make sure I stay.

------- to be continued ----------

－－－續上 －－－ (Aspergers aspects )

That is another aspect of having a Aspergers partner that I like. She has a very specific set of criteria she needs from me. As long as I meet those criteria she is happy. For her, this is love. She needs to have a man who will provide for her, give her a place to live, sleep and eat. She needs a man who will promise to stay forever and care for her. From my experience with relationships I have had with other women, I find my Aspergers is very easy for me to love, because it is very easy to understand what will make her happy. There is no guessing. There are no emotional game. We hardly ever fight because what each of us wants from the other is honest and simple which makes it easy to fulfill.

There is a downside too. She has said that if she find a man who is willing to marry her without dating and give her $5M USD so she can use it to care for her family, she will leave me and take the man with the money. I think she would really do this if the opportunity came up. Does that mean she does not love me? I do not think so. Does that mean she would chose me over the man with the money, probably not. It is a downside of Aspergers that the logical criteria for the relationship will overpower any emotions the person has underneath. I am not worried though. The chances of her meeting such a man are very low.

----------- that is it for now -----------